PB&J isn't the same without PB

When I was growing up, I was a normal kid except for one little health glitch that set me apart from the rest: I had a peanut allergy.

I could not eat a peanut. I have never eaten a peanut. I don’t know what caused this allergy; maybe it’s a genetic thing. Lord knows, my father ate enough peanut butter in his life to satisfy three or four generations. I guess my genes decided to take a break from all the Peter Pan.

(This allergy was not, by the way, passed along to my daughter, who has peanut cravings so strong she’ll sometimes eat big bags of Peanut M&M’s, Reese’s, and the like. But I digress.)

As a grade schooler, I dreaded the day that peanut butter cookies were served in the lunch room. I was forbidden contact with those cookies. In fact, I was made to sit with the teachers so that none of the other kids would somehow infect me. (I guess the cookies the teachers ate were somehow less dangerous.)

Peanuts and peanut butter, in other words, have been my enemies for a long, long time. My mortal enemies.

So now I read about all the peanut butter being yanked off the shelves due to salmonella poisoning ... and I have to smile a little bit.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not gleeful about salmonella poisoning or any fatalities caused by it.

I just think is ironic, in a “gee ain’t it a shame?” kind of way, that all of a sudden, my enemy has become everybody else’s enemy. Their mortal enemy.

Now perhaps the Snickers-eating populace can understand how I have always felt about PB. It’s a potentially lethal substance, isn’t it? Choosy moms no longer choose Jif!

These days, you’ll just have to have those PB&Js the way I’ve always had them. With just the J.

No more peanut butter and banana sandwiches, ya’ll. Banana only.

Personally, I couldn’t care less if there were no longer any peanut products in stores. Why should I? Last summer, I accidentally consumed part of a peanut on a tasty dessert that was NOT supposed to contain nuts. It ruined my entire vacation. Sympathy for Mr. Peanut? Don’t look at me!

It’s too bad. I hate to see an entire food industry tank as badly as Wall Street or Chrysler, but welcome to the 21st century.

I do realize that all of this has resulted from genuine tragedy — and corporate malfeasance. Allow me to explain.

The source of the trouble has been traced to the Peanut Corp. of America, which operates a plant in Plainview, Texas. The plant has been shut down indefinitely, and the Texas Department of State Health Services on Thursday ordered the recall of ALL products ever shipped from there.
You know what? I’m thinking that’s a lot of product. I’m thinking that’s a lot of peanut butter on a lot of shelves across the country. Some of that peanut butter might even have found its way into a few school kitchens, too. You never know. (Kids do eat peanut butter.)

Here is what state inspectors found in the plant: Dead rodents, rodent excrement and — yum! — bird feathers.

There ain’t enough grape jelly in the world to disguise the flavor of poo in peanut butter.

“Hang em out to dry!” you say of the folks who operate the plant. Well, get a load of this, from the Associated Press:

“The president [of the Peanut Corp. of America] and a plant manager accused of knowingly distributing contaminated food refused to answer questions posed by members of Congress on Wednesday, citing their Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination.”

A ninth person died of poisoning while the Congressional hearing took place. More than 600 have been sickened so far in 43 states.

The president of the corporation, a lovely fellow by the name of Stewart Parnell, knew that the peanuts had tested positive for salmonella. According to an e-mail he sent to an employee, he chose to turn the tainted peanuts “on the floor ... into money.”

So there you have it. I can’t eat peanut butter. Now, thanks to Mr. Parnell, neither can you.

Dan Marsh is editor of the Siftings Herald