Warn everyone you know about this extremely contagious disease.
While I usually take this space to give my views on the state of the sporting world, I feel that I should take some time to warn the public of a dangerous disease that is spreading like wildfire all over the state — Pigskin Fever.
You might not have heard of this disease, but I assure you that it is a verifiable disease that afflicts many people in this area, even without their knowledge of being infected.
Pigskin Fever is a dangerous disease that causes people to spontaneously jump up and down, sweat profusely, yell threats and encouragements (sometimes even making sounds which are from a form of English that is rarely used today), argue pointless topics regarding sports and sit outside in all kinds of weather on metal bleachers.
This disease is easily spread from one person to another, and it quickly takes hold of a person’s system, rendering aid virtually useless.
Those who are infected will often ritualistically travel all over the state to gather with others in huge groups on Friday nights, although there is a growing subset of infected people who will gather on Monday or Thursday nights as well.
While this is disturbing enough, hundreds of people with the disease have been known to decorate their vehicles with names, numbers and encouragement for underage athletes who gather to brutalize each other each week.
It has also been rumored, although this reporter has been unable to verify this, that at least three bands in the area have also been infected with the disease, making their way to these weekly gatherings to play music while walking around on a patch of grass that has an estimated area of 13,000-14,000 square feet. These bands could also take to the bleachers and play music as well.
The cause of the disease is believed to be an oblong ball that is tossed around and handed off by that group of athletes who pummel each other weekly.
As of this writing, there is no cure for Pigskin Fever, and treatments for those with the disease have yet to be approved by the FDA.
There are some who believe that these weekly gatherings, while dangerous for those without the disease, help to weaken the disease, but others believe that it takes from three to six months for the disease to run its course. These gatherings usually start around the final week of August, although some start much earlier.
I warn you of this disease because I fear that I may be developing early signs of the infection, and I would hate to unwittingly infect others in this area.
If you fear that you have come into contact with someone with Pigskin Fever, it is likely that you may have already become infected.
Warn your friends, family and neighbors of this dangerous disease before it is too late. The effects of Pigskin Fever often will recur for years after initial infection, so proper precautions are necessary for your protection.
Doctor’s note: Encouragement and well-wishes for James Leigh during his treatment for Pigskin Fever can be directed to him at firstname.lastname@example.org or on Twitter @DSHSports.